The True Story of alt.vampyres

Chapter 1: Genesis

What follows may seem incredible, but meticulous investigation and close scrutiny of the source materials has satisfied our foremost experts that these documents are entirely genuine. Since it is hardly likely that the Masters would willingly let these documents be made public, their precise location must remain a closely guarded secret. What you see here are faithfully reproduced facsimiles. Regrettably they proved impossible to scan.

The following incredible story is brought to you directly from the secret files of the Dark Masters of alt.vampyres. No fewer than twenty-three of our most expendable agents died to bring this secret information to public scrutiny, so please show some respect. Take your hat off, or stand up, or something while reading.

From: His Unholiness the Comte Alucard, Lord of the Shadows, Prince of Bats, Charioteer of the Rising Moon, Eternal Tyrant of Transylvania, Regent of the Lord of This World, Master of Darkness, the Never-Dying King, Bearer of the Kiss of Hell, Wearer of the Cape of Ponce, Chief Secretary to the Immigration & Naturalization Service of the United States

To: Spike
Re: The "Internet"

Do you know anything about this Internet thing? All the students are on it, so the Washington Post says - it'll be the kids next, mark my utterances. And when they do step out into cyberspace, I want them to find Me waiting for them.

Look into it and work out how to make a presence for us. No publicity - I'll see to it that a few people find it, and a few is all we need. Make it low profile, make it covert, and above all make it cheap: the budget is still reeling from Tom Cruise.

D.

From: Spike
To: Mister Squeaky

His Nibs wants us to get a website or something to draw in fresh blood. (Like those nerds have any life to steal.) But it's good to move with the times, and if Sir thinks that's where the market's going, then that's what He's gonna get.

Find out how much it would cost, who we'd have to turn to write it, and where we could put it so that no zit-ridden little slayer could hack in and steal all our names and addresses.

From: Red Creek
To: Spike

Pursuant to your instruction of the 14th inst, I have now located and contacted several possible providers for the Internet service in which His Unholiness has expressed an interest. There are plenty of potential authors, but none who are yet part of the Eternal Nation of Transylvania.

However, I feel it should be drawn to His Unholiness' attention that, according to research by CompuServe, a good 38% of Internet users are only ever seen active during the hours of darkness. Allowing for generational and gender biases in the data, I calculate that fully 3% of them must already *be* freelance undead, although they may very well not have realised it yet. We could sieze and recruit one of them, as per Moonie Procedure 2., with all the resources and risks that that entails.

Alternatively, we could turn one of our own. Preliminary research suggests that the up-front cost would be about three minutes with Lucky Lucy, but there may be more risks than average. What if we encounter one who isn't a virgin? There must be *some*.

The cost of actual web space starts at around $40 per month, but persuading people to come to a site it is a real problem and may pose an added ongoing expense. Feedback and interactive mechanisms are ways to draw people in, make them feel part of the site. It should be mentioned, however, that the more elaborate the site, the more it will cost. Preliminary estimates, including running costs, suggest that this sort of site could set us back more than $400 a month.

Yours faithfully,

Red Creek
From: Spike
To: Creaky

$400 a month? You have got to be kidding. Do you have any idea how many juicy sophomores I could grab for that sort of outlay?

Find something cheaper. Much cheaper.

From: Red Creek
To: Spike

It has not been without some considerable research that I have processed your revised instrucftion and exhumed an alternative to a web-based presence. There is an e-mail based structure called 'Usenet', where net users gather in anonymity to talk about pretty much everything.

There is no way to prove someone's identity on such a group, but there is every opportunity of getting impressionable people to reveal the most intimate secrets of their psyche. Particularly if we start it in the alt. hierarchy, there will be no regulation or bar to us asking newcomers whatever we like. And it will be self-promoting: these things grow by word of mouth.

From: Spike
To: Mr Creek

Nice work, Squeaky. 'Intimate details of their psyche', eh? How unutterably tedious. Still, sounds like it might suit His Nibs down to the padding. I'll put it to Him.

From: Spike
To: HUTCALOTS POBCOTRMETOTROTLOTW MODTNDKBOTKOH WOTCOPCSTTIANSOTUS
Re: The Internet

I believe I may have found the perfect answer. Apparently these nerdy types hang out on something called 'Usenet' to talk about whatever it is they talk about. (Apparently most conversations come round to Hitler, eventually.)

There is no way to prove someone's identity on such a group, but there is every chance of drawing in impressionable people and earning their trust and sympathy, particularly if one keeps blubbing about how 'they' are persecuting one. And it's virtually cost-free: after it's set up (cost: zero), all it needs is for someone to follow the group indefinitely, pick out likely vulnerable candidates and keep the whole thing going.

What do You think?

From: His Unholiness the Comte Alucard, Lord of the Shadows, Prince of Bats, Charioteer of the Rising Moon, Eternal Tyrant of Transylvania, Regent of the Lord of This World, Master of Darkness, the Never-Dying King, Bearer of the Kiss of Hell, Wearer of the Cape of Ponce, Chief Secretary to the Immigration & Naturalization Service of the United States

To: Spike
Re: The "Internet"

I think you have done well, My boy. And I think you would be the perfect candidate to sit in on the group in session. After all, you knew Hitler, didn't you? If you hadn't unloaded that idiot's gun, that night in Munich, the whole history of the century might have been quite different.

So sit in on the group, make sure you keep stirring it and drawing in new blood. Whatever it takes. And for Hell's sake don't let humans take control of anything, or next thing you know they'll be making fun of us and putting all those impressionable goths right off.

From: His Unholiness the Comte Alucard, Lord of the Shadows, Prince of Bats, Charioteer of the Rising Moon, Eternal Tyrant of Transylvania, Regent of the Lord of This World, Master of Darkness, the Never-Dying King, Bearer of the Kiss of Hell, Wearer of the Cape of Ponce, Chief Secretary to the Immigration & Naturalization Service of the United States

To: Red Creak
Re: Your position

Since Spike's abrupt departure from the Service, I have chosen you to succeed him as my Internet representative. Your role will be to establish a prominent presence on the "vampyres" group, keep discussion going, drag in new blood and prevent humans from taking over any of the group's vital functions.

A vital part of your job is to win the sympathy of newcomers, which you can do by affecting fear and vulnerability. Rest assured that most of them won't have the faintest idea of what you're talking about, so you can say any old bollocks and accuse your opponents of any crime with impunity.

Keep some discussion on subjects that will draw in naive and impressionable people, but try to keep the main focus as often as possible on yourself, with particular reference to how persecuted you are. It should be trivially easy to manipulate the humans taking part into attacking you, whereupon you can elicit sympathy from those newcomers not yet involved.

And thus alt.vampyres was born. What became of the infamous Native American vampyre Red Creek is not known. Perhaps he is still actively posting, under an alias; perhaps he is lurking and privately mailing the active posters; or perhaps he has left altogether. Further clues may be revealed as more documents come to light.

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