The Real alt.vampyres FAQ

This is a list of Frequently Asked Questions, with corresponding answers, regarding the alt.vampyres newsgroup. Please note that this is the only document that is intended to help you to understand the workings of the newsgroup before you post. Failure to read and note these guidelines may result in insults, scorn, derision, ridicule and worse. Don't make a fool of yourself.

I know the red text on the black background is really irritating. Bite me. Let this be a lesson to you when you come to design your own website.

Part 1. Who are you people?

1. What is alt.vampyres?

alt.vampyres is a Usenet newsgroup dedicated, in theory, to discussion of the phenomenon common to folklore and mythology of all continents, the belief known to anthropologists and fevered gothic imaginations alike as 'vampyrism'.

2. Why?

I'm glad you asked that. The history of the group makes fascinating reading in itself.

3. You're telling me that vampyres are that interesting?

You're here, aren't you?

4. So are you all vampyres then?

Hey, buddy, I'm not telling you diddly about me. Find out for yourself. But before you begin, I'll give you some hints.

First: vampyres protect their identity. For all you know, my real name may be Comte Alucard. For all I know, your real name may be Buffy van Helsing. I'd have to be terminally moronic to tell you anydamnthing about me.

Second: a genuinely stupid vampyre would have roughly the life expectancy of an origami barbecue.

Third: it's high time you got used to the idea that even perfectly regular people lie like politicians about themselves once they get on to the net. Try the following searches on AltaVista:

"I am a god"	2,243 hits
"I am a shop assistant"	6 hits

Golden rule on the net: never believe anything someone tells you about him/her/itself. It's the subject they are most likely to lie about, and the subject that you'll have most difficulty verifying.

5. So you're not all vampyres?

Are you a vampyre? No, don't tell me, that's a rhetorical question. I mean that if you want to know what sort of people are reading the group, you could do worse than start by taking a look at yourself. (Assuming you can use a mirror, that is.) Better yet, you could try reading their posts and thinking "What kind of a being wrote this?"

6. Interesting concept. Is there anything in particular I should look for?

Evidence of neurosis, paranoia, schizophrenia, delusions, megalomania, obsessive-compulsive disorder. In more commonplace language, control freakery and attention seeking. In an average week, you'll find signs of all these things.

7. Does that mean that this sort of poster is more or less likely to be a vampyre?

Use your own judgement. And look back at question 4. above.

8. That guy can't be a vampyre, he posts during the day!

First, Brainiac, how do you know what time zone he's in?

Second, we live in an age of technological marvels. In the more advanced parts of the world, there are houses - actual dwellings, with electricity no less - that have these wonderful things called 'curtains'.

Part 2. So what goes on here, exactly?

9. There's a lot of talk here about what real vampyres 'might' do 'if' they existed. So I guess those posters aren't real vampyres, huh?: I refer the hon. visitor to the answer to Question 4., above. I'm really not going to get any more helpful than that.
10. Then there's people who seem to hate each other's guts. What's all that about?: I refer the hon. visitor to the answer to Question 6. above.
11. Where can I find out about vampyre activity?: If you can find out about it, mate, trust me - it's not vampyre activity. They didn't get where they are today, i.e. unstaked, unburnt, un-suntanned and generally undead, by publishing their intentions on the Internet. What do you think this is, a dating agency?
12. Well, actually...: Forget it.
13. Will anyone here turn me into a vampyre?: Dear gods of air and darkness, haven't you been listening at all?; Look, buddy: anyone who would say 'yes' to such a request would have to be (a) lying, or (b) insane, or (c) incredibly, amazingly, stupefyingly, gut-wrenchingly eye-wateringly mind-buggeringly stupid. In many European countries, it's actually illegal to be that stupid. A genuine, real, fully grown human being doesn't get to be that stupid without years of chemical training or surgical enhancement. Which of the above categories would you most like to spend time with?

Part 3. What is a vampyre?

14. Why do you spell it 'vampyre'?: 'Vampyre' is an older spelling, and many vampyres are tradit-- Look, pal, it's our group, we'll spell it however the hell we like.
15. Touchy... I bet you write 'wyrd' as well, don't you?: Aren't we getting off the subject now?
16. And do you drink at "Ye Olde Bludde Banke"?: Actually, we mostly get our B-positive from the local 11-7. Or we would if we were vampyres, which we're probably not. Get on with it.
17. Enough already. Where can I find out about real vampires?: The best widely available source is Seasons 1 and 2 of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. For the longest time, we were really puzzled about how Joss Wheedon had found out so much - then we saw Spike, and it all became clear. Who does he think he's fooling with that ridiculous accent?; I know this might be interpreted as blowing Spike's cover, but he can look after himself. Heck, if you choose to go on TV and show yourself to tens of millions of fans in a hit show, you take your chances.
18. I suppose Vampire: the Masquerade is entirely factual, too?: We don't talk about that game here. It has its own newsgroups, its own deeply deluded adherents, and its own FAQ.
19. You're just taking the piss now!: We've not yet perfected the technology for draining blood via the TCP/IP technologies of today, so we'll take whatever bodily fluids we can get.
20. Look, wise guy, I won't ask again: where can I find real information about vampyres?: Oh, you want the official alt.vampyres FAQ. Follow the link at the top of the page, doofus. It's big enough...
21. Ha! You know nothing! Kneel, puny mortals, before Gerald, Prince of Darkness!: You're in the wrong place. Fuck off to whatever exciting vampyre unlife exists in your area. If you're here, we are going to treat you as a mortal, and there is absolutely nothing you can say or do to change that attitude, so get used to it.; Have a nice day.