The Discworld Celebrity Matchmaker!

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So, you're looking for a Man to accompany you through the Ungenerous Alleys of Ankh-Morpork? But whether to try for a parfait gentleman, a rough-hewn hero or even a cunning linguist? The Discworld Celebrity Matchmaker has your answer!

Simply by answering these few questions, written by someone who wouldn't know you if he met you in the street, you can find exactly what sort of guy would suit you best. Good luck!

Part 1: Expectations

1. I would like my date to be

cute enough to turn heads.
a loved and/or respected figure.
someone I could be seen with without a mask.
recognisably human.
able to converse knowledgeably about disfiguring skin diseases.

2. I am looking for

true lurve or bust.
a warm, fruitful and dynamic relationship.
a Brief Encounter.
ooo, err, thank you sir.
what duck?

3. Are you looking for someone young?

Yeah, find me a hot young stud!
Well, he should have a fair idea of when he was born.
Age doesn't matter, it's what he's learned that counts.
I prefer someone who's been Around.

Part 2: Compatibility

4. Which of the following would be your meal or snack of choice?

Curry with Named Meat
All-You-Can-Gobble-For-A-Dollar at Harga's House of Ribs
sausage-inna-bun
quiche
a couple of slices of toast and a glass of water
a good gumbo
a Peach Nellie
Bananana Soup Surprise

5. Which quote resonates most with you?

"Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual."
"...my father is the Emperor of Klatch and my mother is a small tray of raspberry puddings."
"You can tell as many lies as you like if it's advertising."
"Things will have come to a pretty pass when I can't put my own tights on."
"This is a lovely party. I wish I was here."
"Bananas would be the very thing."
"There's nothin' wrong with bein' a son of a bitch."
"Bugger all that. Let's curse somebody."
"Real stupidity beats artificial intelligence every time."
"If it wasn't for the fun and money, I really don't know why I'd bother."

6. Which animal turns you on?

a large, heavily scarred tomcat
SQUEAK
a majestic dragon
an ape
a unicorn
the Luggage
what duck?

7. How would your ideal date pick you up?

in a sedan chair for two
in a donkey cart
in his Manly Arms(tm)
on horseback
on a flying carpet
on a flying rock
on a majestic dragon
on foot

8. What would be your drink of choice?

water, provided it wasn't from the Ankh
a bananana daiquiri
a Klatchian coffee
a pint of Winkle's Old Peculiar
a glass of Bearhugger's Finest
a nice cuppa tea

9. Your friends would be most likely to describe you as

a cynic.
a dreamer.
a doer.
a joker.
a smoker.
a midnight toker.
what friends?

10. At school, you were considered most likely to

graduate top of your class.
write a bestseller.
marry for money.
become ruler of your country.
open a pub.
sell your soul to a Malign Otherworldly Entity.
have eight children.
go to prison.

11. Which Discworld pet would you most like to own?

Greebo
Wuffles
Gaspode
Laddie
Errol
You Bastard

12. If you went into a church (or other permanent place of worship), what would you most probably do there?

Attend a regular service.
Attend a major, landmark event in someone's life (wedding, etc.).
Admire the architecture/stained glass/art/other purely aesthetic attraction.
Scrawl graffitti on the backs of the pews.
Spontaneously combust.

Part 3: Hypotheticals

13. You are appointed ambassador to Ankh-Morpork for a two-day trade conference, staying as an honoured guest of the Patrician. With the entire city at your fingertips, which of the following would you regard as a priority?

A challenging game of chess with the Patrician.
Meeting other local bigwigs by visiting them at home.
An informative tour of the city, escorted by Captain Carrot.
An informal walk around the city with the Guild of Merchants' "Guide".
Dinner at Unseen University.
An evening at the Mended Drum.
A night at the Opera.
Taking in some street theatre.
Industrial-strength perfume.

14. Scene: the Mended Drum. While your friend gets in another round, a large, shapeless furry orange sack sits down opposite you and troughs all the peanuts. You respond:

"Nice... ape."
"Can I get you some more of those?"
"Are you going to pay for those?"
"Excuse me, there's someone sitting there."
"I'll just see what's keeping my friend."
"I'm sorry, I didn't realise this was your table."
"Barman? There's a monkey in my beer!"

15. Scene: the same, a minute later. Your date returns from the bar. The Librarian takes one look, shrieks and disappears into the rafters. You:

congratulate yourself on a fine job of diplomacy.
ask him to go back for some more peanuts.
look at your date with renewed respect.
smile nervously and inspect your date more closely with an eye to concealed weapons (two-handed swords, pointy hats, scythes etc.).
ask if your date knows him.
suddenly remember a pressing engagement in Quirm.